| If you are a born sports person, you were no doubt | | | | legal angle, on the right side of a hypothetical line |
| born knowing the intricacies of all the popular sports | | | | between the ball and the tea tent. If you do go in |
| but for newcomers like me, it can be a bit confusing. | | | | for this tactic, it is then obligatory to work the ball |
| So, after four years of watching The Six Nations | | | | backwards so that in emerges from between the |
| rugby with fascination and bafflement, I thought I'd | | | | thighs of your hindmost team-mate in a fashion |
| put together a quick guide to the game, as it | | | | reminiscent of laying an egg. |
| appears to an outsider: | | | | Another popular method of progressing is to form up |
| There are hundreds of people in a rugby team, but | | | | the whole team into a credible impression of a |
| only a dozen or so are allowed on the field at any | | | | Chinese dragon and advancing in such a manner that |
| one time. They swap places quite a lot during a | | | | no heads, hands or balls are visible, and then |
| match, to make sure the referee is paying attention, | | | | collapsing unexpectedly in a heap and yelling 'try!' |
| or come on to replace team-mates who have been | | | | The two manoeuvres above are called 'mucks' and |
| killed in action. | | | | 'rawls' and you have to be very careful that you |
| There are two teams, and they proceed in a | | | | know which one you're in because in one you aren't |
| somewhat similar manner to football teams - at least, | | | | allowed to use your hands and in the other one you |
| they have a goal each and are allowed to score | | | | aren't allowed to use your feet. |
| points by kicking the slightly ball-like object at it but, | | | | If you break any of the 4975 rules, the referee is |
| unlike football, they can get a lot more points by | | | | allowed to make you all line up, bend over and bang |
| driving the ball several feet into the ground behind | | | | your heads together until you say sorry. This is called |
| the goal line, closely followed by themselves and | | | | a 'scrum'. |
| several hundredweight of flying turf. | | | | In the six nations, the points are totted up in a very |
| At first glance, it appears that they can get hold of | | | | odd way, so that you can only win if the team you |
| the ball and convey it towards their goal by just | | | | played last Tuesday wins by precisely 26 points |
| about any means they like but this is not, in fact, the | | | | against the team you're playing next Thursday and |
| case. It is okay to win possession of the ball by | | | | things like that, but as well as the main tournament, |
| wrestling a member of the opposing team to the | | | | there are lots of different prizes you can win - some |
| ground and nicking it, but there are 657 angles and | | | | of which can ONLY be won by certain teams, no |
| directions from which you may not jump on him, and | | | | matter who wins the tournament. For example, if |
| huge lists of bits of him that you may not grab, | | | | you are England, you can win the Calcutta Cup by |
| depending on whether the rest of the team are | | | | beating Scotland and vice versa but if you're Wales, |
| standing up or lying down groaning at the time, and | | | | you can't win it not no-how. Ner. If you're British, you |
| on which side of what line they are doing it. This | | | | can win the Triple Crown by beating all the other |
| means that, when a player launches himself at 70mph | | | | British teams, and if you're Italian you can win what |
| toward the man he is tackling, he has to do a large | | | | looks to me like a petrified bicycle tyre by beating |
| amount of geometric calculations whilst flying through | | | | France, and any team which manages to get through |
| the air before he can work out which bit of his | | | | the entire tournament without winning any of those |
| opponent he is allowed to bash with which bit of | | | | things wins a wooden spoon. |
| himself. | | | | Anyway, it's jolly good fun (except if you're one of |
| There is always the option of getting the ball by | | | | the ones that ends up in hospital). I expect the more |
| hurling your entire team on top of the opponent, so | | | | seasoned supporters who are at present having fun |
| that you all end up in a heap and it's totally impossible | | | | by groaning, crying and threatening to torture their |
| for the referee to tell when you grab your | | | | favourite players will be able to explain any of the |
| opponent's nadgers and twist them until he lets go of | | | | finer points I may have missed. |
| the ball, whether or not you have done so from a | | | | |