| If you are a born sports person, you were
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| | the right side of a hypothetical line
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| no doubt born knowing the intricacies of
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| | between the ball and the tea tent. If you
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| all the popular sports but for newcomers
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| | do go in for this tactic, it is then
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| like me, it can be a bit confusing. So,
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| | obligatory to work the ball backwards so
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| after four years of watching The Six
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| | that in emerges from between the thighs
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| Nations rugby with fascination and
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| | of your hindmost team-mate in a fashion
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| bafflement, I thought I'd put together a
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| | reminiscent of laying an egg.
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| quick guide to the game, as it appears to
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| | Another popular method of progressing is
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| an outsider:
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| | to form up the whole team into a credible
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| There are hundreds of people in a rugby
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| | impression of a Chinese dragon and
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| team, but only a dozen or so are allowed
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| | advancing in such a manner that no heads,
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| on the field at any one time. They swap
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| | hands or balls are visible, and then
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| places quite a lot during a match, to
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| | collapsing unexpectedly in a heap and
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| make sure the referee is paying
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| | yelling 'try!'
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| attention, or come on to replace
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| | The two manoeuvres above are called
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| team-mates who have been killed in
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| | 'mucks' and 'rawls' and you have to be
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| action.
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| | very careful that you know which one
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| There are two teams, and they proceed in
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| | you're in because in one you aren't
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| a somewhat similar manner to football
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| | allowed to use your hands and in the
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| teams - at least, they have a goal each
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| | other one you aren't allowed to use your
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| and are allowed to score points by
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| | feet.
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| kicking the slightly ball-like object at
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| | If you break any of the 4975 rules, the
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| it but, unlike football, they can get a
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| | referee is allowed to make you all line
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| lot more points by driving the ball
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| | up, bend over and bang your heads
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| several feet into the ground behind the
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| | together until you say sorry. This is
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| goal line, closely followed by themselves
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| | called a 'scrum'.
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| and several hundredweight of flying turf.
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| | In the six nations, the points are totted
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| At first glance, it appears that they can
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| | up in a very odd way, so that you can
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| get hold of the ball and convey it
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| | only win if the team you played last
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| towards their goal by just about any
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| | Tuesday wins by precisely 26 points
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| means they like but this is not, in fact,
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| | against the team you're playing next
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| the case. It is okay to win possession of
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| | Thursday and things like that, but as
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| the ball by wrestling a member of the
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| | well as the main tournament, there are
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| opposing team to the ground and nicking
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| | lots of different prizes you can win -
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| it, but there are 657 angles and
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| | some of which can ONLY be won by certain
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| directions from which you may not jump on
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| | teams, no matter who wins the tournament.
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| him, and huge lists of bits of him that
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| | For example, if you are England, you can
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| you may not grab, depending on whether
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| | win the Calcutta Cup by beating Scotland
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| the rest of the team are standing up or
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| | and vice versa but if you're Wales, you
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| lying down groaning at the time, and on
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| | can't win it not no-how. Ner. If you're
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| which side of what line they are doing
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| | British, you can win the Triple Crown by
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| it. This means that, when a player
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| | beating all the other British teams, and
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| launches himself at 70mph toward the man
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| | if you're Italian you can win what looks
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| he is tackling, he has to do a large
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| | to me like a petrified bicycle tyre by
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| amount of geometric calculations whilst
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| | beating France, and any team which
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| flying through the air before he can work
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| | manages to get through the entire
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| out which bit of his opponent he is
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| | tournament without winning any of those
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| allowed to bash with which bit of
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| | things wins a wooden spoon.
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| himself.
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| | Anyway, it's jolly good fun (except if
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| There is always the option of getting the
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| | you're one of the ones that ends up in
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| ball by hurling your entire team on top
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| | hospital). I expect the more seasoned
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| of the opponent, so that you all end up
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| | supporters who are at present having fun
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| in a heap and it's totally impossible for
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| | by groaning, crying and threatening to
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| the referee to tell when you grab your
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| | torture their favourite players will be
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| opponent's nadgers and twist them until
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| | able to explain any of the finer points I
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| he lets go of the ball, whether or not
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| | may have missed.
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| you have done so from a legal angle, on
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